Ha Noi and Halong

From the most relaxed capital city in South East Asia we dived right into hectic Ha Noi... By European standards it's totally insane ... By Asian standards, on a scale of 1 to India it hits about a 5, hovering just below Bangkok. Still, it took a bit of time to adjust to all the hustle and bustle after laid back Laos, but once we did the city managed to win me over. Drinking beer on the street sat on little plastic stools with street vendors, tuk tuk drivers, mopeds and cars whizzing past makes for a good experience and the countless little alleyways packed with quirky little bars, restaurants and cafes blaring everything from techno to pop to live lounge music give this city an infectious charm. 

The lake in Ha Noi:

Beers on the street:

However what has really impressed me about Vietnam so far is the beautiful, beautiful food - these people know how to eat! Everything from the Banh Mi (Vietnamese baguettes) and coconut filled pastries you can get on the street to the delicate white rose dumplings and delicious coconut curries. Not to mention my favourite, the fresh spring rolls. Enjoy my Halong Bay bikini pics because at the rate I'm eating in this country my next posts are going to be typed up by some pretty chubby fingers!

I'm not too sure what can be said about Halong Bay other than its status as one of the natural wonders of the World is well deserved in my humble opinion. We did a 2 day boat cruise where we got to spend one magical night sleeping between these beautiful limestone mounds under the light of a full moon ... Along with the rest of the World admittedly, but honestly it didn't really matter, in fact the sight of all the boats at night lighting up the bay was beautiful in itself. The myth behind the bay (literal translations is 'descending dragon bay') is that when enemies were attacking the area, the gods summoned a dragon who breathed a wall of jewels around the area, in the meantime the almost 2000 limestone islands we see today sprung up in the way of attacking ships. Apparently the dragon liked the area so much that she stuck around and still lurks there to this day. The eerie atmosphere of the place can almost make you believe it - there is something about being there that makes you want to stick a parrot on your shoulder and hobble around shouting 'arggg matey' at everyone. Maybe that's just me? Never mind...

Halong Bay - so good it deserves a collage:

With our fellow passengers:

Twinkle twinkle:

Key info: Booking a Halong Bay cruise can be a little daunting with the thousands of options available. We finally went with the relatively budget option of Carnival Cruises and they were great. Apparently the cheapest: gold or white pearl are terrible.

Vang Vieng and Vientiane

I saw a poster advertising Laos as the 'Jewel of the Mekong' and I can see why. Laos is a beautiful country, rich with stunning scenery, and it really shines with the welcoming warmth of its lovely people. Sadly its history is as full of bulletholes as the rest of South East Asia's due to the Vietnam war which forced the people of Laos to retreat into jungles and caves as the full force of America's wrath was unleashed on the country. More bombs were dropped on Laos between 1964 and 1973 than were dropped throughout the whole of World War II earning it the unwanted label of the World's most bombed place per capita; around 30% of these bombs remain unexploded leaving a deadly legacy that still plagues the beautiful landscapes.

Vang Vieng is famous for its now almost extinct tubing party scene ... Basically this involved giving a bunch of backpackers rubber rings to float down the river in whilst giving them access to all sorts of drugs and alcohol as well as some zip lines and ropes to jump in the water with. Sounds great on paper, but after causing up to 40 tourist deaths per year the whole thing was promptly put to an end a couple of years ago at the request of the Australian government. Well, I say it sounds great - that depends what you are into. Personally I had an brilliant experience floating down this beautiful valley having drunk nothing but a beer which we bought at the beautiful home of some locals who literally fished us out of the water. The lack of party people was in my opinion a great improvement judging from my quick YouTube review of what it was like back in its 'prime' - I guess I'm just showing my age here though! Our float down the river wasn't completely uneventful however, after staring at a huge fluorescent sign telling me to 'STOP TUBING HERE' I somehow managed to miss the river bank completely and float right past helplessly waving at Cata who thought she'd have to come and collect me in Cambodia somewhere. A local man in a boat sailed right past me as I was frantically splashing about across the current and helpfully pointed out that I should have got off the river by now - yes, thank you, I'm fully aware actually. Had i been drunk I probably would have ended up somewhere in Cambodia but where I actually ended up was trying to clumsily clamber up a wooden platform with my leg above my head and a rubber ring around my waist before giving up on that failed strategy and finally managing to grab on to some grass and toss myself on to a muddy knoll much to the bemusement of an onlooker - such a  smooth sailor.  Thankfully there's no photographic evidence of the above so forget what you just read because it never actually happened...

While in Vang Vieng I was also reunited with a friend that I'd met in Borneo and his mate and had an awesome night out dancing the night away with good people at the local nightclubs. To shake off the hangover, we visited some more waterfalls and the beautiful blue lagoon which was good fun despite the incessant rain.

Drinking beer after being fished out of the river:

"Just a bunch of fffff*kin' mates,aye":

More waterfalls:

The blue lagoon:

Can someone explain to me exactly what this man thinks that these arm bands are going to achieve?:

Our last stop was Vientiane which I believe is the most relaxed capital city in the World. I had the most amazing traditional Laos massage which basically consisted of a woman attempting to squeeze the life out of me with her bare hands - painful yet very relaxing. Had another great night out with newfound friends which resulted in the need for this breakfast:

Yum. Kop chai lai lai Laos! It has been an absolute pleasure.

Chiang Mai and Luang Prabang

Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand is a cute town with a dangerously large and busy night market ... What little space I had in my backpack has quickly disappeared! On top of good shopping, the market hosts a blues bar with the best Thai blues band known to man.  Seriously!:

We signed up for a Thai cooking class where we were given a tour of the local market and all it's exotic goods and made curry pastes, papaya salads, spring rolls, noodle soups and banana in coconut milk to finish it all off. Tres fun and tres tasty! The key to Thai food is just to add in tons of flavour with thousands of spices that I'll probably never find in Europe! But I'll damn well try. Thai dinner party at my place come September!

Curry paste ingredients:

Spring rolls:

Noodle soup:

So not only did we get to spend a really fun afternoon learning about food and meeting new people, but then we got to eat it all. What's not to love?!

From Chiang Mai we opted to take a two day journey across the Thai/Laos border and up to Luang Prabang. Day one was spent squished in a mini van getting thrown about windy roads but thankfully  we met a great group of people that made the journey much more enjoyable. Once we crossed the border we got put in little huts in the middle of nowhere for the night. The setting was stunning but the accommodation was a little wanting even for my relatively low standards. It wasn't so much the collection of spider webs or the cracks in the wall that bothered me as the bloody Asian style toilet ... Now I haven't brought this up before because I've successfully managed to avoid using these things but in Laos it is a different story... Asia. Please read this carefully. Why, oh WHY do you insist on making excusing oneself a balancing act worthy of Cirque du Soleil?! What on Earth is wrong with a nice clean toilet seat and a good old roll of loo paper?! The insistence of cleaning up with a hose afterwards makes the whole bathroom a little pond which becomes totally unsuitable for flip flop wearers. Ive lost my shame after the ping pong post so here go Kate's Asian toilet tips: 

Chest out and shoulders back for some pre-toilet confidence, make sure to roll up your trousers before venturing in.

Ascertain whether the puddle you are about to walk into is deeper than your flip flops are thick - if it is, abort the mission immediately. If it is not, then begin to tiptoe in carefully trying not to splash yourself or slide into the splits right into the mess... Walking like a duck seems to help.

Step up on to the slippery porcelain (who you trying to kid Asia? Those corrugated edges do nothing!), carefully position your feet across the designated hole making sure you've got some strong balance so your foot doesn't end up in the bog. 

Now comes the tricky part... Pulling down your trousers past your knees whilst holding up the bottom of them so that they don't end up in the blinking piss puddle is quite the art-form I assure you.

Once your trousers are down and hopefully still dry, assume optimum squatting position - you'll soon learn the hard way what angles you are supposed to be in once you've got your feet wet a couple of times... Nothing quite worse than peeing on yourself.

The final step is to always have toilet paper on you because even if you do resort to the hose option (which I've thankfully managed to avoid so far) - how Asia, please tell me, HOW do you dry yourselves?!?! I just don't understand...

If you really want to test out your new found toilet skills try the above steps in a dodgy Laos nightclub after a few beers and cocktails. After passing this test I believe I am deserving of an Asian Toilet Bachelor of Arts. Next stop, blow darts...

The second day of our Laos journey was spent travelling up the beautiful Mekong river before finally arriving at Luang Prabang which we loved. Hard to sum this one up really as we squeezed quite a lot in - weaving village visits, bathing with elephants, swimming in waterfalls, dinners with new friends, late night bowling alleys and more shopping, naturally. I'd go into it all in detail but its easier and more effective to post some photos!

Mekong:

Waterfalls:

Pure awesomeness:

Rice fields:

Hand woven goods at the night market:

Lao barbecue:

 The only place open past 11pm... Obviously?!:

So far we are absolutely loving Laos, the people here are so unbelievably lovely, the scenery is breathtaking, the food is delicious and all for the cheapest prices in Asia so far. 

Key info:

Cooking classes: We Cook, Chiang Mai. Run by the lovely Miw on a beautiful property just outside the city. 

LaoLao Garden, Luang Prabang for the most fun you'll have during a meal.

Bangkok

The first time I came to Bangkok I was not particularly enamoured of the city. We arrived in the midst of a torrential tropical downpour and within the first 5 minutes that I stepped out of my hotel the biggest frikking cockroach this side of the equator attempted to scurry into my knickers via my left leg... The bloody thing managed to get as far as my knee before I noticed and screamed the whole of the Khao San Road down in complete hysterics... You must understand; This was no normal cockroach. This was the mother of all cockroaches: Roachzilla,  a living, breathing roachasaurus about the size of an enormous lobster. I shit you not! Well, OK, maybe I shit you a bit - but the thing was still the biggest bloody land crustacean that I've ever had the misfortune to come across and our moment of undesired intimacy really set my Bangkok experience off to a bad start! 

My first impressions of the city, and more specifically, Khao San were that it was a seedy, overly touristic place with nothing but a bunch of pissheads on their gap yaars (not a typo) practising excessive consumption in prep for some appalling Full Moon Party... I was completely right of course, but the mistake I made the first time round was to not embrace it all. I tried to do cultural things, like visit temples and palaces (which were actually quite impressive) or go to museums, but it was not a mistake that I would make again. 

I've had a bloody awesome time in Bangkok this time! Drinking out of buckets, eating deep fried insects, buying tie dye dresses, getting pushed, pulled, squeezed, twisted and cracked at massage parlours, whizzing around in tuk tuks and even watching women shoot ping pong balls out of their vajayjays.

Now, if I'm honest, every last bit of moral fibre in my body was screaming at me not to go to a ping pong show. The minuscule and often ignored angel on my shoulder was having a panic attack 'Don't do it Kate, it's degrading to women. These girls are being exploited. It's going to put you off sex forever. It'll make you feel that your private parts are not fulfilling their potential' ... All these and a million other reasons not to go... Each of them as valid and as true as the next... And yet, next thing I know we were following a man who had presented a 'menu' of visual delights such as 'P*ssy opens Coke bottle' ... No... We aren't talking about cats here. P*ssy does WHAT?!?! Off we went in a tuk tuk to lose what remained of our innocence. We walked straight in to a live sex show. No, not a sex show in the sense that a strip dance is technically a sex show. An actual intercourse show! Pretty sure I didn't read that on the bloody 'menu'! Holy crap where the hell are we?! Once the lovely chap and his leading lady were finished showing off their acrobatic skills the actual ping pong bit started - but ping pong was only the warm up in Bangkok's vaginal olympics - coke bottle opening, candle blowing, cigarette smoking and of course my particular favourite - a lovely lady with fantastic grip, balancing and coordination skills writing 'Welcome to Thailand' without the use of her hands. I won't describe it any more than I already have... Just... If you are ever in Bangkok... And that little angel is screaming at you... Pay attention for goodness sake! Now my life won't be complete until I can burst a balloon by blowing a dart out of my hoo-ha and god knows it's not something I ever actually want to try! 

Can't believe I just released all that into the public domain. Thank god my grandmother doesn't own a computer...

Spicy grasshopper anyone? Surprisingly tasty:

How can anythig go wrong when you start your day with this? :

Happy tuk-tuk times:

The local food market for when you just fancy snakes, turtles or frogs for dinner:

Siem Reap

There are really no words to describe the absolutely awe inspiring sight of Angkor Wat. It was my second visit to the complex of hindu and buddhist temples and I can honestly say that it is easily one of my favourite places in the world. The amazing swampy jungle surroundings are great within themselves but these stunning ancient temples scattered between, through and under trees just makes this such an incredibly magical place. As I said - I can't really put the feeling of being there into words so here are some pictures instead. Of course these do not do it justice either so please just trust me and put this on your list of things to see asap!

Asian style moped ride to the temples before dawn:

Angkor Wat:

Bayon, my favourite temple:

Ta Prohm - aka 'The Tomb Raider Temple':

The added bonus to visiting Angkor Wat is that Siem Reap is a really fun city with a great night market and some brilliant restaurants. Noteable mention goes to a restaurant called Haven which helps orphans who have come of age by training them as chefs for a year, giving them the opportunity to acquire skills that could help them earn an honest living which could otherwise be impossible for them. Sadly the city also provides a prime example of how sometimes, by trying to do good, people end up doing more harm. There are plenty of despicable scams where people try and make money out of the kindness of travellers - they're worth mentioning for obvious reasons. One that nearly got us was a little girl with a baby on her back asking for food - 'no money, I want milk'... The unsuspecting tourist goes into the nearby shop, gets charged an extortionate amount for some formula milk and gives it to the girl ... who then gives it back to the shop keeper for resale. Profits are split by the shop keeper, the corrupt police who sit there and watch, and god knows who else. I heard about this from another traveller and forgot to warn my travel buddy Cata, so when I pulled her away from the girl, the rabid little devil scratched me. I have been assured by Dr. Google that human to human rabies transmission has only ever occurred following organ transplant so I think I'lll be OK!  Another example is that there are great organisations here who train the blind in massage so that they can make their own income- unfortunately there are also not so great organisations who mimic this idea but who instead exploit the blind and the tourists who are trying to help out. Lastly, for some bizarre reason orphanages have become somewhat of a tourist attraction here - again people trying to help out I would imagine - the popularity of visits to orphanages has lead to some parents 'renting' their children to fake establishments in order to cash in on that precious tourist dollar. The government makes it difficult for the people of Cambodia to benefit from the tourism boom by leasing out its monuments and attractions to private companies - meaning only the rich get richer and very few of the profits are actually injected back into the community. Sadly Cambodia's poverty, which is very evident when you are there, creates some very ugly realities... But I refuse to end on a negative note. Cambodia is a beautiful country with beautiful people and I highly recommend it as a place to visit - just try and be sure that when you do try to be a do-gooder, you are actually doing good! While you're there also get a local to take you out to dinner at one of their fave spots - you'll be seriously impressed with the food, the prices and the awesome atmosphere.

Chul moi!:

To top it all off, the cheap accommodation prices meant we were able to stay in a private room with a tv and watch Andy Murray absolutely power his way through an amazing final to take his first Wimbledon title... All that was missing was some strawberries and Pimms!

Phnom Penh

So its hit me that one of the most annoying things about having my iPod stolen, other than the obvious wound to my bank account, is the sad loss of my music collection... I need a set of earphones in my head at all times when sat on a bus so it's been a little testing when all that's left to listen to are my rather odd and occasional iTunes impulse buys, highlights of which include the best of Whitney Houston and the Bee Gees... Don't judge me. There's uber cool stuff on there too but I'm just saying that the proportion of 1970s helium fuelled disco and 1990s token ballad warbling is distressingly high. I wont lie though, I do love the Bee Gees and I've come to the conclusion that "Jive Talkin'" may possibly be the best song on the planet as it's the only one I never skip... Perhaps that says more about me than it does about the song? Desperate times ether way.  I can only hope that the bastard who stole the thing can appreciate all the bloody awesome albums he has inherited before he sells the thing on... Then I hope he gets the song "Tragedy" inexplicably stuck in his head for at least 2 weeks followed by 4 weeks of "I Will Always Love You". 

Moving on from my 1st World problems, we flew to Phnom Penh after a short Singapore stopover where naturally we went shopping and I stupidly bought an overpriced (but much needed) camera lens and a lovely white dress ... just a cocktail dress; no husband yet. I should really go get my 5 Ringgits (~£1.25) back off that palm reader in KL.

About 2 years ago I stopped off in Cambodia during a trip to Thailand and in only 2 days I fell absolutely in love with the people here. On my second visit they have so far validated my first impression with their beautiful warmth and hospitality. God knows I don't understand what many of them are saying half of the time (I clearly need to learn to speak Khmer!) but its definitely the country I've felt most welcome in and that doesn't need to be expressed in words.

Phnom Penh is a fun, laid back city with plenty of funky restaurants, bars and cafes and a sprawling market at its heart. While we were here we made a very tough and heart wrenching trip to one of the Killing Fields on the outskirts. For those who don't know, this is the name given to the many sites where the Khmer Rouge massacred millions of people during the ungraspably horrific leadership of Pol Pot between 1975 and 1979 - Up to 3 million Cambodians, out of a population of only 8 million, were killed and at least 20,000 of those lived their last violent moments in the small and peaceful fields that we visited; if it weren't for the memorial site now in place you would never guess that such a beautiful area filled with bird song could have been the setting for such unimaginable cruelty and terror. It's difficult to write about and I suggest if you're overly sensitive to these things that you finish reading this post here (mum, that means you!).

I find myself wondering why we visit these places of tremendous sadness, to feel horror, disgust, disbelief, sadness and heart break. I think the truth is that in life, as well as learning who we are as individuals, we also need to learn who we are as a species. To learn about the seemingly infinite depths of our cruelty and the seeming limitlessness of our resilience. More importantly I think it is to show respect and to mourn the many lives lost and the many souls broken by such inexplicable tragedies... If these events are forgotten - if we are no longer disgusted, if we are no longer saddened, then the people who lost their lives become as irrelevant and disposable as they were believed to be by their persecutors and there's something deeply disturbing about that, which is why I think it's important to write about the injustices that have occurred; injustices that could have affected any of us - there is nothing extraordinary about the bones that lie under the soil; They are not the remains of people who chose to be soldiers or martyrs, superheroes or villains, adventurers or protesters... They were normal people whose lives were torn apart out of the blue: Men, women, children who did nothing more than exist in the wrong place at the wrong time. The completely insane communist ideas of the Khmer Rouge include the belief that everyone should be completely self sufficient - from food to medication. Needless to say that many died of starvation or from treatable diseases. People, especially those that were educated, were forced out of the cities and into the fields and families were torn apart. Those that did not die due to the consequences of this insane social engineering were killed as soon as they were perceived to be a threat. Pretty much everyone with an education was considered as such and the genocide that ensued took about a quarter of the population's lives. These people were herded into trucks and taken to these fields where political songs were blared through speakers to drown out their screams as they were bludgeoned to death with farming equipment and pretty much anything else that was available (not bullets as these were expensive). Throats were slit with palm leaves and children were swung against trees. It makes me sick to retell it as it made me sick when I was stood by that very 'killing tree' that unknowingly still grows next to a mass grave where the bodies of these children and their mothers were found, but sadly that's just the truth of what occurred there.

The Killing Fields:

Memorial to the victims:

Again, as always, I apologise if the information I dish out isnt as accurate as it could be - I do try and back up what I learn with a quick google search at all times but if you are genuinely interested in anything I touch on I suggest you look it up on a more reliable source. Also sorry to leave you on a depressing note but our next stop is Siem Reap for a thankfully more glorious and beautiful period of Khmer history.