Guilin

Our first taste of China came on our 6 hour train journey to Guilin which seemed set to be a particularly uncomfortable experience when we realised we didn't have any seats. What we didn't count on was the friendliness of the locals which turned what could have been an awful train ride into a surprisingly enjoyable day. One guy decided to test out his English skills on us (consisting mainly of the words 'hello' and 'beautiful' - the little smoothie) and pretty soon we attracted quite a large group of his friends and neighbouring passengers. We squished up on the seats in between them and took part in a little photo shoot and a mutual and very unsuccessful Chinese/English lesson whilst swapping snacks and struggling to communicate in some very broken English. Giggling is a universal language however and the Chinese put it to good use.

Train party:

 

 

China is amazing and beautiful but it is also really rather an odd place. When the Chinese are standing still or sitting down they are seemingly the friendliest, happiest folks on the planet ... But catch them when they're in motion and they become violent human bulldozers - personal space is an alien concept and the previously under appreciated British orderly queue is non-existent. At one point Cata was about to sit down on a bench and a man sprinted over and literally bumped her out of the way before her arse had time to hit the wood - perfectly normal behaviour apparently as no-one else even batted an eyelid. Now that we know the deal though we're getting quite good at the shoving etiquette. The trick is to stick out your elbows and not allow any space whatsoever in front of you. If anyone does try to cut in, give them a swift bump back with your shoulder or place your foot or bag in front of them, then shuffle back in as soon as there is some space.  This doesn't always work however as it is also acceptable to wave money and/or whatever you are buying in the shop keepers face in order to get served first even if you are behind in the 'queue'. Haven't quite figured out how to beat that one yet. Perhaps I need to invest in an extendable claw? Chances are I'll find one somewhere because the shops here literally sell everything that you can or can't imagine - and no sooner than you think to yourself 'why on earth would anyone buy that' does a very willing customer or two shove past you waving some of their well earned cash at the vendor. Toothbrush salesmen on trains, women on boats selling flowery headbands, folks whizzing around touting wheels that you can attach to your shoes, shops stocked with every kind of noisy rubber animal you could possibly want, demon eyed battery powered puppies, mini statuettes of Michael Jackson (OK, so maybe I was a little tempted by that one) ... You name it, they sell it.

Eating has been quite the challenge as well as no-one really speaks English and all the menus are in Chinese. First rule before heading into an eatery is to make sure there's stuff that you can point at, otherwise you'll be leaving the place hungry. Even the pointing technique can be hazardous with culinary delights such as dog meat, chicken feet, or 'cold white fungus' as illustrated by one of the few chinglish menus we found:

In a nutshell, this place is totally crazy. It's exhausting but great fun! I suggest if you plan to come that you bring a good phrase book and life might be made a little bit easier! Make sure to learn the word for toilet - there is nothing really more awkward than having to mime it...

 

 

China's quirks aside, Guilin is the one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been in, surrounded by two rivers and two lakes and set between spectacular mountain scenery. The real highlights however were to be found outside of town - a scorching four hour trek amongst the stunning Longji rice terraces in an area know as 'the dragons backbone' was easily one of the highlights of the whole trip. The endless ridges of winding tiered rice fields peppered with old wooden houses are so unbelievably beautiful that you get the feeling that you have stumbled onto a film set.

Mountain villages and Longji rice terraces:

 

 

The next day we headed on a bamboo boat tour of Yangshuo which again rewarded us with breathtaking scenery.

Yangshuo:

 

 

Hoi An, Mui Ne and Ho Chi Minh

Before we got to Vietnam we'd heard a few negative reviews about how it was dirty, busy and how the locals were unfriendly so I wasn't sure what to expect. I found the Vietnamese to be warm and helpful people. Ha Noi and Mue Ne were super relaxed towns and I didn't really experience any major issue with hygiene levels so I'm not sure if we were just lucky or if perhaps India just set a very, very, very ... very, very low benchmark? Either way, I thought Vietnam was a lovely country. Apart from the amazing food, Ha Noi was probably the highlight for me being a very beautiful and picturesque town with some great spots to eat and drink. While we were there we also did a 1 day diving trip to the Cham Islands - the diving wasn't quite what it has been in Malaysia or Indonesia but I still enjoyed it and the islands hid some stunning idyllic beaches (which would have been even nicer without the rain!).

Rolling on the river with our lovely guide, Mui who tried in vain to teach us to speak Vietnamese:

The Japanese covered bridge:

Selling candles to float down the river:

Hoi An by night:

Mui Ne is a beach town where we had time to relax and top up our fading tans, although I over did it somewhat and ended up more rouged than bronzed! Another day tour here took us to the fairy stream ... Which is really just a stream and to the red and white sand dunes ... which were really just sand dunes. Cata decided she'd rent a quad bike to zoom around the dunes on which I sat on screaming for all of 10 seconds... I hate the bloody things after a somewhat embarrassing experience in Greece involving bad steering, a giant bush and some attractive male witnesses (The worst kind of witness to any embarrassing incident).

Cocktails on the beach:

The fairy stream:

Sand dunes:

After all that relaxation we dived right back into the hustle and bustle of Ho Chi Minh -though I prefer to call it by its old name, Saigon because it easier and it sounds more exotic... As the capital of South Vietnam this was also the olace to learn about the Vietnam war. Travelling through South East Asia you get a feel for how the whole region suffered relatively recently during the war against communism, but it's only in Vietnam where you really get to see the deep impact that it caused and also insights into how the locals view the conflict. Plenty of shops sell old Vietnamese propaganda posters which although visually striking have pretty dark anti-American messages behind them. Messages such as 'What are you doing here? For whom are you dying?', '3000 enemy planes shot down' 'Nixon the murderer' respectively accompanying images of American soldiers, USAF war planes and the American president portrayed as a monster. There is definitely a sense that the war here was  not an conflict between the communists and the anti-communists but a war against the invading Americans. This theme continues into the rather one sided and harrowing war museum. Plenty of quotes from journalists and World organisations discrediting the inhumane actions of the US during the war hang on the walls alongside horrific pictures and accounts of the terrible war crimes that were committed. In any situation where man is 'legally' killing man atrocities are carried out and innocent people suffer and die, so in a war that spanned over 20 years you can imagine that there was plenty on show to be horrified by. Photographs of dead women and children, annihilated villages, the effects of chemical warfare which the people in South Vietnam suffer even now due to the prolonged effects of the previously untested Agent Orange, which can affect genes across several generations. Outside in the courtyard a collection of US military vehicles and weapons including tanks and fighter jets as well as a chinook helicopter gives you a real sense of what these people were ip against. Of course losses were suffered on both sides, the USA suffered 58,000 military deaths due to the war ... but in a death toll of up to 3 million more than half of those killed were Vietnamese civilians. Although the museum clearly gives a one sided view, with statistics like that it's very clear to see that something went terribly wrong here.

With 53 year old Song whose legs of steel have been cycling around these streets for the past 20 years!:

 

American military vehicles:

 

One of the many massacres including that occurred during the war:

Ha Noi and Halong

From the most relaxed capital city in South East Asia we dived right into hectic Ha Noi... By European standards it's totally insane ... By Asian standards, on a scale of 1 to India it hits about a 5, hovering just below Bangkok. Still, it took a bit of time to adjust to all the hustle and bustle after laid back Laos, but once we did the city managed to win me over. Drinking beer on the street sat on little plastic stools with street vendors, tuk tuk drivers, mopeds and cars whizzing past makes for a good experience and the countless little alleyways packed with quirky little bars, restaurants and cafes blaring everything from techno to pop to live lounge music give this city an infectious charm. 

The lake in Ha Noi:

Beers on the street:

However what has really impressed me about Vietnam so far is the beautiful, beautiful food - these people know how to eat! Everything from the Banh Mi (Vietnamese baguettes) and coconut filled pastries you can get on the street to the delicate white rose dumplings and delicious coconut curries. Not to mention my favourite, the fresh spring rolls. Enjoy my Halong Bay bikini pics because at the rate I'm eating in this country my next posts are going to be typed up by some pretty chubby fingers!

I'm not too sure what can be said about Halong Bay other than its status as one of the natural wonders of the World is well deserved in my humble opinion. We did a 2 day boat cruise where we got to spend one magical night sleeping between these beautiful limestone mounds under the light of a full moon ... Along with the rest of the World admittedly, but honestly it didn't really matter, in fact the sight of all the boats at night lighting up the bay was beautiful in itself. The myth behind the bay (literal translations is 'descending dragon bay') is that when enemies were attacking the area, the gods summoned a dragon who breathed a wall of jewels around the area, in the meantime the almost 2000 limestone islands we see today sprung up in the way of attacking ships. Apparently the dragon liked the area so much that she stuck around and still lurks there to this day. The eerie atmosphere of the place can almost make you believe it - there is something about being there that makes you want to stick a parrot on your shoulder and hobble around shouting 'arggg matey' at everyone. Maybe that's just me? Never mind...

Halong Bay - so good it deserves a collage:

With our fellow passengers:

Twinkle twinkle:

Key info: Booking a Halong Bay cruise can be a little daunting with the thousands of options available. We finally went with the relatively budget option of Carnival Cruises and they were great. Apparently the cheapest: gold or white pearl are terrible.

Vang Vieng and Vientiane

I saw a poster advertising Laos as the 'Jewel of the Mekong' and I can see why. Laos is a beautiful country, rich with stunning scenery, and it really shines with the welcoming warmth of its lovely people. Sadly its history is as full of bulletholes as the rest of South East Asia's due to the Vietnam war which forced the people of Laos to retreat into jungles and caves as the full force of America's wrath was unleashed on the country. More bombs were dropped on Laos between 1964 and 1973 than were dropped throughout the whole of World War II earning it the unwanted label of the World's most bombed place per capita; around 30% of these bombs remain unexploded leaving a deadly legacy that still plagues the beautiful landscapes.

Vang Vieng is famous for its now almost extinct tubing party scene ... Basically this involved giving a bunch of backpackers rubber rings to float down the river in whilst giving them access to all sorts of drugs and alcohol as well as some zip lines and ropes to jump in the water with. Sounds great on paper, but after causing up to 40 tourist deaths per year the whole thing was promptly put to an end a couple of years ago at the request of the Australian government. Well, I say it sounds great - that depends what you are into. Personally I had an brilliant experience floating down this beautiful valley having drunk nothing but a beer which we bought at the beautiful home of some locals who literally fished us out of the water. The lack of party people was in my opinion a great improvement judging from my quick YouTube review of what it was like back in its 'prime' - I guess I'm just showing my age here though! Our float down the river wasn't completely uneventful however, after staring at a huge fluorescent sign telling me to 'STOP TUBING HERE' I somehow managed to miss the river bank completely and float right past helplessly waving at Cata who thought she'd have to come and collect me in Cambodia somewhere. A local man in a boat sailed right past me as I was frantically splashing about across the current and helpfully pointed out that I should have got off the river by now - yes, thank you, I'm fully aware actually. Had i been drunk I probably would have ended up somewhere in Cambodia but where I actually ended up was trying to clumsily clamber up a wooden platform with my leg above my head and a rubber ring around my waist before giving up on that failed strategy and finally managing to grab on to some grass and toss myself on to a muddy knoll much to the bemusement of an onlooker - such a  smooth sailor.  Thankfully there's no photographic evidence of the above so forget what you just read because it never actually happened...

While in Vang Vieng I was also reunited with a friend that I'd met in Borneo and his mate and had an awesome night out dancing the night away with good people at the local nightclubs. To shake off the hangover, we visited some more waterfalls and the beautiful blue lagoon which was good fun despite the incessant rain.

Drinking beer after being fished out of the river:

"Just a bunch of fffff*kin' mates,aye":

More waterfalls:

The blue lagoon:

Can someone explain to me exactly what this man thinks that these arm bands are going to achieve?:

Our last stop was Vientiane which I believe is the most relaxed capital city in the World. I had the most amazing traditional Laos massage which basically consisted of a woman attempting to squeeze the life out of me with her bare hands - painful yet very relaxing. Had another great night out with newfound friends which resulted in the need for this breakfast:

Yum. Kop chai lai lai Laos! It has been an absolute pleasure.

Chiang Mai and Luang Prabang

Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand is a cute town with a dangerously large and busy night market ... What little space I had in my backpack has quickly disappeared! On top of good shopping, the market hosts a blues bar with the best Thai blues band known to man.  Seriously!:

We signed up for a Thai cooking class where we were given a tour of the local market and all it's exotic goods and made curry pastes, papaya salads, spring rolls, noodle soups and banana in coconut milk to finish it all off. Tres fun and tres tasty! The key to Thai food is just to add in tons of flavour with thousands of spices that I'll probably never find in Europe! But I'll damn well try. Thai dinner party at my place come September!

Curry paste ingredients:

Spring rolls:

Noodle soup:

So not only did we get to spend a really fun afternoon learning about food and meeting new people, but then we got to eat it all. What's not to love?!

From Chiang Mai we opted to take a two day journey across the Thai/Laos border and up to Luang Prabang. Day one was spent squished in a mini van getting thrown about windy roads but thankfully  we met a great group of people that made the journey much more enjoyable. Once we crossed the border we got put in little huts in the middle of nowhere for the night. The setting was stunning but the accommodation was a little wanting even for my relatively low standards. It wasn't so much the collection of spider webs or the cracks in the wall that bothered me as the bloody Asian style toilet ... Now I haven't brought this up before because I've successfully managed to avoid using these things but in Laos it is a different story... Asia. Please read this carefully. Why, oh WHY do you insist on making excusing oneself a balancing act worthy of Cirque du Soleil?! What on Earth is wrong with a nice clean toilet seat and a good old roll of loo paper?! The insistence of cleaning up with a hose afterwards makes the whole bathroom a little pond which becomes totally unsuitable for flip flop wearers. Ive lost my shame after the ping pong post so here go Kate's Asian toilet tips: 

Chest out and shoulders back for some pre-toilet confidence, make sure to roll up your trousers before venturing in.

Ascertain whether the puddle you are about to walk into is deeper than your flip flops are thick - if it is, abort the mission immediately. If it is not, then begin to tiptoe in carefully trying not to splash yourself or slide into the splits right into the mess... Walking like a duck seems to help.

Step up on to the slippery porcelain (who you trying to kid Asia? Those corrugated edges do nothing!), carefully position your feet across the designated hole making sure you've got some strong balance so your foot doesn't end up in the bog. 

Now comes the tricky part... Pulling down your trousers past your knees whilst holding up the bottom of them so that they don't end up in the blinking piss puddle is quite the art-form I assure you.

Once your trousers are down and hopefully still dry, assume optimum squatting position - you'll soon learn the hard way what angles you are supposed to be in once you've got your feet wet a couple of times... Nothing quite worse than peeing on yourself.

The final step is to always have toilet paper on you because even if you do resort to the hose option (which I've thankfully managed to avoid so far) - how Asia, please tell me, HOW do you dry yourselves?!?! I just don't understand...

If you really want to test out your new found toilet skills try the above steps in a dodgy Laos nightclub after a few beers and cocktails. After passing this test I believe I am deserving of an Asian Toilet Bachelor of Arts. Next stop, blow darts...

The second day of our Laos journey was spent travelling up the beautiful Mekong river before finally arriving at Luang Prabang which we loved. Hard to sum this one up really as we squeezed quite a lot in - weaving village visits, bathing with elephants, swimming in waterfalls, dinners with new friends, late night bowling alleys and more shopping, naturally. I'd go into it all in detail but its easier and more effective to post some photos!

Mekong:

Waterfalls:

Pure awesomeness:

Rice fields:

Hand woven goods at the night market:

Lao barbecue:

 The only place open past 11pm... Obviously?!:

So far we are absolutely loving Laos, the people here are so unbelievably lovely, the scenery is breathtaking, the food is delicious and all for the cheapest prices in Asia so far. 

Key info:

Cooking classes: We Cook, Chiang Mai. Run by the lovely Miw on a beautiful property just outside the city. 

LaoLao Garden, Luang Prabang for the most fun you'll have during a meal.